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Thursday, October 2nd, 2008
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sitting heavy.
pounds of already flashed idea bulbs sparking on and snapping out.
weight like most good memory.
there are things.
things of greatness and smile making on the window inside me.
things that create blinks of hope and blisters of feel good.
things that are without being said, and things that could never be the wrong way put.
things that take along with them, divisions of communion.
take along for rides of complete understanding.
we patiently wait.
for any other to come running for.
or away.
i am a missed stitch.
i am thread that secures material in two pieces the incorrect way to form an awful flaw in clothing.
thread is of years.
thread is of careful planning and worry.
thread is strong.
knives dull when try to cut.
blades break when try to slice.
fingers bend when try to pry.
eyes look away when try to help.
if there is one way to deconstruct, to demolish, to set ablaze,
the hardwired, programed, set in stone, fucked into oblivion ways of myself,
its me.
i lose myself over and over in plenty of my own shares of ifs.
endings are never subtle.
beginnings are.
new beginnings aren't.
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Its all perception.
Perspective.
Opinion of retrospection.
The flight of many exploding, emoting, carrier feelings giving warm water to always cold feet. Prior to now, having known nothing, hunting for reasons to keep it that way, biting tongue til red overflows the brim, and cutting everything loose because my smile had abruptly been erased. Nine of ten, by me.
So, what is this?
Now its like I have some motivation for trying new hard work ethics. Something forceful tugging my sleeve to want more than I ever have. More than I used to think was possible for me. But I still tread lightly. Thin ice walking. Might get into to trouble style crawling around waiting for my unasked question to get answered. Sometimes getting bent and switching off and propelling me to regret everything my stupid me did the night before.
So when do I jump out of the cake? When does deep sea cave diving take me to where I must leave a lifeline behind me to find my way out? What if I don't even want to exit? What if I want my oxygen to end while I explore this cave?
I do. I want. And I am the only thing here, that could possibly go wrong.
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i rarely update. a livejournal fatal mistake, i suppose. i feel the need today.
my weekend has been amazing. like most, it was totally action packed to the brim.
i love being busy.
friday found me having a decent day at work. i was feeling great because i knew what was going to take my time the next couple days. i had sushi for lunch. a killer roll called orange salmon with chunks of...well, oranges on it. it was grand. i got off at normal time to meet my fellow vikings at my house. we packed then van with ourselves and equipment alike, and headed to our show at uncle pleasants. thanks to whoever reads this who came out and rocked with us.
the show was excellent. everyone had to keep a keen eye on the U of L game at the bar while watching all our good friends perform. louisville stomped some boise state heads and ended a few minutes before our set. as we were putting together our music machines on stage, more of our friends and family and fans trickled in. we started at approximately midnightish to a fairly full uncle pleasants.
we played one of our newer songs first. probably one of my favorites we've ever written. it has seemed lately that our louisville shows are increasingly becoming more and more fun. i love every minute.
we were hosting our friends BY MORNING from asheville, nc, so after the show we brought our vans home and went to nachbar. they all were astonished by the neighborhood surrounded bar. i guess germans didnt settle much in asheville.
saturday woke me with a shower and i bought waffles for all of BY MORNING. they were much appreciative for the louisville show to play, the roof to sleep under and the food to eat. i bid them all farewell with man hugs and salutations and sent them on their way home.
AMHERST had a mild saturday practice. we ended earlier than normal to promote my personal saturday plans...
i met up with my coworkers christy and michele at work (on my day off...) and we trekked to indiana to meet up with christys dude and crew. we then started our drive to nashville.
the clouds were heavy and the sky was bleak most of the drive down. however it seemed as we were pulling into the city, the sun was trying to show some face. we checked into the hotel, freshened up, and hit the strip. we filled our stomachs with food at this micro brewery restaraunt and sampled their brews. then we walked out full and proud and ready to poison ourselves with the the alcoholic nightlife of nash vagas.
we hit a lot of bars, only staying for a drink or two at each. i lost count of the places we were and of the drinks i had. we saluted and continued our superhero status. the easter bunny was out as well. all 6 foot seven inches of him. his white fur pants were high waters. but he gave us high fives and we kept our drink on. the last bar we went to was called decades. they had a lime green wall behind a short stage with dual stripper poles. not as much country music here, so we boot stomped to california love. at one point, michele broke her beer bottle somehow and i noticed blood pouring from my thumb. i still have no idea what happened. disappointed from spilling a drip of beer on my white polo at dinner, i took it off and wrapped my hand in it. then to show everyone i was ok, i put my shirt covered hand on the wall and started punching it with my good hand. haha...i have no idea why. in fact...i only BARELY remember doing it.
we hailed a cab and went back to the hotel as last call was being started. all i remember is falling face first into a pillow i had placed on the floor and passing out.
i woke early seven a.m. still tipsy before everyone but this dude matt. he and i strolled to the side lobby and helped ourselves to a breakfast buffet. it was way mediocre and as we were cleaning our plates a waitress brought us a check.
"we thought this was all complimentary!?" i started in disbelief. she apologized and said no and so matt and i paid our $12 for a not-so-worth-it meal. whatever. it soaked some jager and redbull up.
we checked out at noon and got some lunch at cheeseburger charlies. the day was brisk and brighter than saturday by far. way better road trip weather. i had great conversations with christy and michele on the ride home about philosophy, religion, childhood upbringing, and the universe. we got home at five on the dot and i prepared myself for the U of L game.
all i can say about the game is "oh my god". we are national title material this year and if we play tennessee at all like we played oklahoma, we are going to school them. we'll learn them how the ville plays ball.
i fell asleep on my couch early from a very exciting yet taxing weekend. i love my close friends with every piece of my heart, but i will say that it felt extremely healthy to hang out with new people. two of which are female coworkers who i believe i could chill with anytime and have a blast.
its truly amazing to witness myself grow. i feel like i did this weekend.
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Tuesday, January 1st, 2008
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i meant to say living is tight nevertheless, also.
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living is 'off the deep end absolutely fucking insane'.
happy new years, anyone. i'm screamin' bout 08.
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Tuesday, September 11th, 2007
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over two months have passed.
this was and still is a very busy summer.
changing into and anticipating an even busier autumn and winter.
amherst wrote, practiced, produced, recorded, mixed, and had mastered a new album.
i couldnt be more proud.
the first two "singles" or "songs we plan to promote" are both on myspace.
www.myspace.com/amherst
the record drops on tuesday, october 2nd.
we are playing an acoustic set at earxtacy on friday, october 5th at 8 pm. its free.
we are also playing a cd release party at headliners on saturday, october 6th at 7 pm. its $8.
featuring our good friends, on parallels. and consume consumer, creatures & reading like a writer.
buy your tickets from me personally or at earxtacy or on www.ticketweb.com
to cap the summer, amherst and co. went to destin florida.
it was a perfect vacation.
im still sun burnt.
but now i am ready for my favorite month of all twelve. october.
i am so ready to wear layers again.
cheers, all. hope your last few months have been as rewarding as mine ;)
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Wednesday, June 27th, 2007
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there is so much going on.
i feel like a tidal wave.
and the coast is the future.
im hitting it, changing it, and retreating to the sea where i belong.
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i talk much of change, this and that, that from this, here to there, where else to go, etc. im anxious. i feel like i have a lot to do, but i have no idea when or where to start. but i dont really have anything to do. and i kinda feel like i dont have anything to look forward to. but i clearly do. i mean, maybe. but maybe is good enough to continue steps.
ive heard that many people quit or give up right before they would have "won". or whatever the best outcome would be in anyones generic scenario.
and then there is eventually. the waiting. the clock watching. the watch clocking. the rut. the grind. the "fuck, show me what's next." i want to do things new to me. but right before i do, i get apathetic and lethargic and the thought of couch laying with a blunt sounds so much sweeter. then i wake the next morning and do more of the same. news comes along, sparks my eyes, takes my attention, and then its over. or it takes more than i could work for. i like massive sweeps or overhauls or lifestyle and/or appearance. thats why i let my hair grow long and then chop it all off at once. will i ever have the balls to shave it ? i dont even want to.
i hate surprising myself. i hate when my friends fuck up. i hate when i fuck myself out of something i worked hard to prepare. i hate when the same scenario happens on frequent occasions at different surroundings at totally different times. its bogus. it makes me truly think that hope is futile. or infantile. but maybe, possibly fertile. i hate the uncomfortable haze that doubles as tension, that you can clearly feel wiping your skin as you walk around a room because people are present that dont need to catch on that there is a even an issue in the air.
maybe i'm too good a people observer, that i have limited my social skills because im too busy quietly judging everyone. but only because i want to beat them to it. "get them before they get me" type deal.
im hungry.
its lunch time.
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im infatuated with sleep and all of its contents. my mind, primarily while im asleep, is stronger, smarter and faster than reality. my dreams are the most beautiful thing I have ever witnessed. my vitality, dexterity and intuition are all maximized to an extent that I have never felt while awake.
on occasion, I will get stoned out of my mind and immediately turn out the light and close my eyes to sleep. ive heard many people say, including me, that dreams only occur and last five to fifteen minutes right before you wake up. I doubt im still high by then, six to ten hours later, but im convinced my dreams are more vivid and dramatic when I fall asleep high.
I always dream. everyone does, but I remember mine daily more often than not. they are of splendor, no matter how nightmarish and lurid.
sleep has been and is a major part of anything I write. I have written several bodies of words be them lyrics, poems, or free though whatever, with the word sleep in the title or topic of the piece.
im not sure why I thought this was something I needed to claim and install into history.
I got up this afternoon around two thirty, did some family stuff at my aunts, came home and smoked a bowl solo, and almost fell asleep on the couch.
then I started thinking about what I was about to dream about.
then that led me to thinking how much I like dreaming.
then I realized that I had always been a pretty diehard fan of sleep.
and I decided to write, or type it down.
bizarre, but im ok with that.
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Wednesday, May 23rd, 2007
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hows it? what did you say?
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i am my cousin Mark's best man for his wedding in June.
this is the bachelor party ive planned.
Saturday June 2nd itinerary
2:00 – the thirteen guests (mark & myself included) meet in Germantown
3:00 – take three or four cars and start driving to Cincinnati
4:30 - arrive at the Garfield Suites Hotel for check in
7:00 – get picked up by Hummer H2 limo from Garfield Suites to Argosy Casino
7-10 – Argosy Casino gambling
10:00 – get picked up by Limo from Argosy Casino to The Hofbrauhaus in Newport, KY
10-11 - consume fine authentic german beer and food
11:00 - get picked up by limo from Hofbrauhaus taken back to the Garfield Suites hotel
11-? - commence partying, drinking, and debauchery with strippers.
i think this sounds like a decent saturday night bachelor party.
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my life is just like a war.
my life is just like a war.
so I let my dreams carry me, carry me to the sea.
all that I had is now gone.
all that I had is now gone.
so I let my dreams carry me, carry me in the sea.
way down in water, im born.
way down in water, reborn.
I let my dreams carry me, carry me thru the sea.
I let the sea carry me, carry me to my dreams.
and when awake, im never as content as i was while asleep.
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what the world happened ?
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Thursday, April 19th, 2007
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hell belongs to me.
and there is no hope and no denial where i am.
who wants to be where i am ?
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Tuesday, April 10th, 2007
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ive got arms the length of world.
they could wrap your surface.
do you want them to ?
do you want them, too?
half of me turns to your favorite people.
the other, to your most pitted bull.
so i really do wish i was cooler.
i dont get simply remembered.
and i know i dont get any total recall.
how do i then get the most of what i need.
i think i need some little time.
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i absolutely want something.
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Wednesday, March 28th, 2007
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i enjoy beautiful days with tax breaks and airplanes.
and making rapture out of text boats and arrows.
cave archers and sky wonders and only the strongest wills to get to where you belong.
ive had a lot, too many, none such.
i like receiving looks and mismatched hand gestures.
im on drugs and slight pain subsides.
im making town my art and in swift time.
im in need of a serious and great day to suffice my palate.
its coming soon, i think.
im due.
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Tuesday, March 20th, 2007
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i have, by medical definition, a deviated septum.
i go to the plastic surgery department next monday to get my nose realigned.
im far from excited about this.
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Thursday, March 15th, 2007
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the biggest and most niave mistake we can make as artists, is thinking we are normal.
we are the most fucked up individuals in existance. it fuels our art.
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